Wala Lang

This is what is in my mind today:

I never saw a wild thing

sorry for itself

A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

– D.H. Lawrence

Umalis na si Anton papuntang Pilipinas.  He’s going to spend his summer there and then come back to South Bend in August.  I got sad because I probably won’t be seeing him anymore until perhaps in December when I fly back here from Geneva.  Wala na akong nanay-nanayan. He gave me some advice though before he left.  He said I should accept change and not be afraid to move forward.  He knows that I don’t want to stay in Geneva because Nahyan is here. I don’t want to leave Nahyan.  Anton reminded me of what he taught me before back in college in UP…realism.  Realism is constant change. He said that I should accept that and have no fear.

Change is frightening for me right now.  Does change mean that I would have to leave this person forever? Does change mean having to struggle again in an unknown land?  Without friends? Without family? 

But change is a friend to me somehow.  I remind myself constantly that years often make people change.  It sometimes disturbs me though that some of my friends are stuck in the past and have not acknowledged change.  For instance, one of my friends was ranting about how annoyed she is because one of our other friends is being nasty to another girl.  Then, I reminded her that another one of our friends is also always nasty towards me, but she does not get annoyed.  I even sometimes get the sense that she encourages such nastiness towards me.  Her response, "Well, I can sort of see where she is coming from."  Okaaayyy…maybe more than ten years ago, in 1994 or thereabouts, I was nasty towards this girl.  But for several years now, I’ve been pretty decent towards her.  In fact, I haven’t even had any contact with her anymore! Does my one single time of nastiness more than ten years ago merit a lifetime of counter-nastiness?  Hmmmm.  That does not seem fair.  Doesn’t my ten years ++ of struggling to be a better person not account for anything?

Ah well…such is life.  Even your friends can turn a blind eye towards the changes you’ve gone through.  Anton told me to accept change because that is realism.  If your friends stay stuck in the ‘fabulous’ ’80s or ’90s and not change with you, would you still want them to be your friends? Anton…what is the answer to that?

Two nights ago, I was so overwhelmed with all the papers and exams that I picked a fight with him.  Poor guy…he didn’t know where all that anger came from.  The next day, he took me to this really nice place near the river for dinner.  Then we went to listen to Kristin at the karaoke bar.  I was wondering why he was so busy poring over the songbook.  He then stood up and gave the emcee a piece of paper.  After a few minutes, his name got called and he walked up to the stage and said, "Okay, everyone…I am just doing this to embarass my girlfriend. So, to make her face redder than it is now, please dance with me as I sing this song."  Then, he sang Ice Ice Baby, complete with Running Man dance steps!  I laughed sooooo hard!  Everyone in the bar loved him and they did flock to the dancefloor as he sang the song.  Two drunk guys actually approached me and said, "Dude, your boyfriend is awesome!" Some of the first year students who were at the bar actually took pictures of him. For the first time in my life, I’m going out with a guy more popular than me.

Today, while studying in my room, a red cardinal just decided to hang out on my windowsill.  It was brave enough to just stare at me while I was typing on my computer.

I love spring.

There are days in my life when my constant prayer would be like this: "Please help me to be strong. Please help me to be strong. Please help me to be strong."

I have been praying like this for the past few days now.  The Lord has never failed me before.  So now, I am offering everything up to him again. 

Please help me to be strong. Please help me to be strong. Please help me to be strong.

I was wrong.  It is not over yet and he somehow suprises me everyday.  Two weeks ago, I had to go to Chicago for the christening of a friend’s baby.  He, on the other hand, had to go to Greencastle to look at houses since he’ll be working there in the fall.  He took his friend Sam with him, a guy who I know likes picking up girls at bars.  So, we didn’t see each other the entire weekend.  When we both got back from our trips, he told me that he and Sam had an interesting weekend.  It turned out that Sam took him through the bars of Greencastle, trying to look for girls to pick up.  Sam did end up going home with a girl. He, meanwhile, just stood around even though, as he admitted it, there were some girls who were majorly checking him out.  I asked him why he didn’t take the bait and his answer really made my day: "Because I’m a one woman man."

Last night, he surprised me again.  I couldn’t go out with him last night since I had a ton of papers due next week.  Again, I was nervous since he said he’s going to go with Sam and his friends that night.  At 3am this morning, he called me and told me he was just driving home Sam now and then he’d be home himself in a few minutes.  Again, I asked him why he’s going home alone and didn’t pick up a girl at the bar.  He gave me the same answer.

Why am I so surprised by this answer?  I guess I lumped him together with the other guys here in the US.  I just thought he’d be like those guys I see on TV who would mindlessly pick up girls from bars just for the heck of it.  Also, he is quite a charmer.  I’ve gone with him to parties where I see girls actually checking him out and yes, even making the moves on him! Even with me there! More often than not, I find these girls really funny.

The fact still remains though that we don’t have too much time together.  Soon, we would have to let go.

Somehow, I have this feeling that it’s almost over.  Or is it over already? Oh well…it was a good run.

It has been a month now and we finally had The Discussion.  I did not want to talk about it, but he insisted because according to him, sooner or later, we would have to talk about it.

He is afraid to challenge convention. He comes from an old and established family in his country. Although they are no longer traditional, he thinks mixing our two worlds would be problematic. We have different faiths and different cultures.  We are both faithful to our beliefs and fiercely patriotic to our countries.  I was expecting this and I am holding on to my decision: I will continue to feel what I feel for him now and I will not ask for anything in return.  I think I have run away too many times.  It’s time to just stand firm…at least for now.

I have lived for three decades in this world. I know that life is tough and I know that when you open your heart out to someone, you are most liable to get hurt. But I also know that after getting hurt, I can recover. I have stood up so many times after terrible terrible falls. I now know myself and yes, I will feel this way as long as I can without expecting anything in return.

It is funny when you finally start enjoying being in a place that you realize that you only have a little over a month left to stay there.  After that, you must move on and go to another place to start anew.

My fantasy days as a student in an American university are almost over.  I found a lot of friends here, some of them even have the promise of being the type you would want to keep for life.  Kristin, my roommate, the quintessential all-American girl (yes, blond hair and all), has shown me American culture…from appreciating Superbowl commercials to cooking a Thanksgiving turkey.  Other friends from the law school, especially the super-great Pinays — Jackie, Lala, and our bunso, Camille — have been my moral support and reality checks.  Great professors, too — Professor Fick and Professor O’Connell.  These are the women I would want to be when I reach a certain age.

And yes, I have met someone who seems to be a nice person. I will no longer announce online that I am in love.  I did that the last time and the relationship was a disaster.  This time, I will be more cautious.  Besides,will there be a future here?  He will be graduating this May, too, and he has accepted an offer to teach in a university here in the US.  As for me, I will be struggling to establish myself in the field of international human rights law in the middle of the Swiss Alps.  I will just enjoy what has been given, I suppose.  It is sad…for the first time in my life I have found someone who I can really talk to and laugh with— my only two conditions for a man. Some people actually think I just ask too much from a guy, but really, I don’t.  I just want him to be someone to talk to and laugh with and this guy seems to be this "someone".

We will only be together for a short period of time.  I have been contemplating for the past month and a half to start running away.  I usually start running away when I know I will get hurt at the end of it all.  But something always stops me from running away.  Maybe I should try harder?

I am hearing music right now from Kristin’s room…More Than Words by the Extremes.  Okaaayyyy…I could yell at Kristin to turn down her music or I could just not fight the urge to start sobbing. 

Somehow, I just need to keep myself together.  This is the last mile.  I must run it well.

Thursday night, I was peacefully enjoying my Merlot and dancing with my classmate, Sarah, in a party thrown by the Peace Studies students from the Kroc Institute.  Great party…with that Turkish smoking implement and all.  And then, this person came and started talking to us, and then to me…only.  Great dancer. He could twirl you so smoothly around the room, throw you up the air, and then catch you with so much flair.  No kidding.  At the end of the night, he asked if he could take me home.  My Filipino friends, Mica and Marco (bless their hearts), being very Filipino, told me in front of him to call them once I got back home safely.  And with emphasis, they said that they will wait for my call. This person told me later that he thought it was both funny and frightening.  He found it funny because my friends didn’t trust him and he found it frightening because after hearing their words, he was more determined to prove to them that he did just intend to take me straight home.  Sweet.

He drove me home (and yes, without any detours!), walked me to my door, and before he left, reminded me to call Mica and Marco.  The next day, we went out.  We went out again the day after that. And the day after that.  He went out of town two days ago to spend the rest of spring break with his friends in Iowa. 

Now, where is this going? Not sure, not sure.  A week from now, I might be writing hate and frustration posts on this blog again, right?  Let’s see.

Today, while doing my laundry, I sat down to watch a fishing show on TV.  Two men were on a boat in the sea and they were telling the viewers how to ‘fight the fish.’  I really didn’t understand what they were talking about, but I was just looking at the sea and ached to see it again.  I am, after all, a true-blue island girl, having been born and raised in beautiful beautiful Cebu.  Then, I turned to my roommate who is a born and bred mountain girl from Montana.  I told her that I miss eating crabs, prawns, tahong, and fresh fish.  She looked at me strangely and said that she doesn’t like seafood and rarely eats seafood. 

My quest for seafood here in South Bend is so frustrating.  Yesterday, I looked at the salmon in the grocery store, but it looked really unappetizing and yes, very expensive.  I tried to buy those frozen shrimps, but they really don’t taste the same.

I guess I am just going through this phase again where I am starting to miss everything and everyone in the Philippines.  I am posting pictures of some of the people and places I really really miss.  Best friends and best places.