Wala Lang

One more month and then I will be a year older. Thirty-one—31! Wow, I never thought I would reach this age.  Ten years ago, I looked at 31-year old women as mature, sophisticated, and accomplished.  I thought they were old.

Why do I not feel all of these things? Mature and sophisticated? I still get very very shy when a person I like talks to me. I get sweaty palms, I stutter and say the wrong things…I just generally mess things up. Accomplished? My classmates are now either junior partners or senior associates in their law firms.  My old colleagues in the literary field are now important figures in Philippine literature. Other friends have gotten married, are now raising beautiful children, running households, and basically just moving up in the world.  On the other hand, here I am, still in school, starting all over again in a  new field.  I am not even sure if I can get a job after this.  Also, I just discovered today that the organization I thought up and actually put together has not even listed me as one of its notable alumni! Okay, okay, so I have moved away from the arts and literature scene…I guess I deserve that.  But I am happy though that the organization is still very much up and running.

There are questions that I keep on asking myself…the "what ifs" of my life.  What if I didn’t move on to law school?  What if I just stayed in the arts and literature scene as an academic and a writer? What if I pursued teaching and writing? What if I had gotten married earlier?  What if I just stayed on in my old job and not have the courage to try my luck in grad school?  For sure things would be very different now if I made other choices in the past.

A friend of mine told me that I should never keep on thinking about what I could have done in the past.  I should learn to look forward and deal with the decisions I made.  I guess he is right.  I made those decisions and I should stand by them.  That would be the most responsible thing to do.

In a big city, holding all your luggage, having lost your wallet, with no money, and with nowhere to stay, you will discover that several angels will come to your aid.  A fellow Pinoy you just met in the street (who amazingly looks like your mother) might lend you some money for bus fare going to the airport, the woman at the local library might call you to tell you that they’ve got your wallet at their lost and found bin, another Pinoy working at a fastfood joint at the airport, seeing you very hungry, might offer you some free breakfast, and a kind foreigner might offer you a couch at the airport so that you can spend the night there more comfortably.  It will also be the day when people will offer to carry your bags for you and run with you to the gate so that you won’t be late for your connecting flight.

A stranger once looked at me straight in the eye and told me that her job now used to be my job in my past life.  It was only later that I found out that she was some kind of a fortune teller.  I tried to forget what else she told me because I really didn’t want to be controlled by what others say my future would be.  But what happened to me recently reminded me of one thing she said: "Babalik sa iyo ang iyong kabutihan."

Yes, in a big city with nowhere to go, God sends you angels to help you find your way home.  I am now back in Notre Dame, in my room, safe and sound. 

Thank you to all the angels.