Wala Lang

This week, I encountered a guy I had a bit of a crush on when I was a gawky teenager. The way we "bumped" into each other was quite strange. (Another proof how the world is getting so small — see previous post) Anyway, for the last two days, I felt like that high-school girl all over again, giddy and giggling. I’ve never felt like this since River Phoenix was still alive and when the New Kids on the Block were still together! Or when Smokey Mountain was still singing Da Coconut Nut! He he he.

Apparently, like me, he’s based in another country now. We exchanged numbers and I promised that next month, when I fly to where he lives, I’d give him a call so that we can meet up.

The last time I saw this person was perhaps almost 20 years ago. I realise now that he never even knew I existed until a couple of days ago!  I wasn’t one of the "cool" girls in my high school. I was the geek, the nerd, and the ugly duckling. In a way, he was also a geek, but he carried his geekiness with a certain flair that made him quite attractive to the girls. So, he was popular and I was not.

I am now curious how he has turned out. I will for sure call him when I fly to where he lives next month. Let’s see what will happen then.

The world is indeed shrinking. Years ago, anywhere outside the Philippines was already far for me. Preparing for a trip to even just a Southeast Asian country already merited weeks of planning, careful packing, and so many last-minute things to do. These days, however, everything seems so near.

Just a couple of days ago, I got a message from a friend saying that he’s moving to Vietnam, so he’ll be quite close now. I agreed with him and said yes, we can drop in on each other easily with me just practically next door.

Today, another friend of mine and I had a discussion on whether she should think about developing a relationship with this guy who is based in Singapore. We both agreed that since the guy lives "quite close", why not?

Every month, I try to go home and see my family and spend time with them. I fly home to Cebu and just hang out.

Years ago, I would never even think that Vietnam and Singapore are "close" to Thailand. I would never even have thought of shuttling from Bangkok to Cebu every month just to hang out with my family. These days though, it seems to be just a fact of life and something that I’ve come to accept as part of my monthly routine.

The world is indeed shrinking. For now, I am happy that it is shrinking, at least from my point of view.

I was in New York last week and decided to touch base with my friends from Notre Dame. One of them related to me her latest heartbreak and how her family showed their support for her and this was what her dad said: "Never let your emotions control your actions."

Two years ago,  I decided with another person that our faiths and families were more important than us being together. I still remember crying and sobbing for months after I broke up with him. It was the first time that I really did cry for any guy. And I cried for months! I know now that if you wrench yourself away from someone you love, the pain seems so tangible, that you can feel it weigh you down. I remember that during those days, it took some effort for me to stand up and walk. I just felt so weighed down.

Was that love? My mother said that maybe it wasn’t. She said that the fact that we still placed our faiths and families above our feelings for each other may indicate that we did not actually love each other.

And this brings me to another thing that someone else told me so many years ago. Someone said that love is a conscious decision and not just an emotion. When you love someone, you consciously tell yourself that you will stand by this person no matter what. It is your mind, and not your heart, which decides that you will stay with this person for the rest of your life.

I think that two years ago, I may have lived the advice of my friend’s dad. My emotions, at that time, were telling me to stay with him, but my mind told me that staying with him would make both our lives a living hell.

Am I happy that I did not let my emotions control my actions? There are days that I still feel sad about it and yes, I still miss him from time to time. There are days, however, that I am glad. I am not sure if I would ever find someone like him again, but I know that we now both have happier lives ahead of us because of our decision to go our separate ways.

Yes, I guess it is true that love is a conscious decision and not just an emotion. Love means not letting your emotions control your actions. If you love someone, it does not only mean consciously deciding that you will stay with this person for the rest of your life.

It may also mean making the painful decision of letting each other go.

I know, I know…my title is so cliche! If my creative writing mentors (e.g. Butch Dalisay, Isabelle Mooney) would see this, they would immediately regret the grade they gave me when I was their student.

I can’t help it though. For the first time in many years, I am actually looking forward to a new year. I think it helps that I like what I am doing now. Two days ago, an old high school friend, Twinkle, asked me what I do for a living these days. It made me think a bit. Then, I decided to say, "I am trying to be an international human rights lawyer." 

Trying to be an international human rights lawyer, I think, is a fair assessment of what I have been doing during the past year or so. I am a newbie in this field and I have so much to learn, so I can’t say that I am an expert in anything yet. This world I am trying to hack into is so filled with professional and personal rivalries, petty quarrels (yes, even among supposedly mature and eminent international lawyers), and of course, discrimination.  I encounter so much of the last one, considering that I am a Filipino, a woman, and I look young. There seems to be an impression in the international human rights world that if you are a Filipino, you only know about Philippine issues and have no business discussing the issues in other parts of the world. Also, in most meetings I go to, I would find myself to be the only woman sitting in the room. More often than not, the other people in the meeting would think I am my boss’s secretary! Since my boss is not a lawyer, he would usually refer to me when it comes to legal issues. And when he does this, it throws a lot of people off since then they realise who I am and what my position is.

Nowadays, however, I feel less and less like a lawyer. As I said earlier, international law is a a political minefield. I feel that I do more political decisions now than legal decisions. Also, I have to manage my staff and consequently, I have to do administrative stuff. There was once when I had to fix a conflict between two members of my staff. After that really stressful day, I had to tell my boss that management skills were never taught to us in law school!  There would also be days now that I would pore over Excel sheets, computing and re-computing the budget, talking to donors, and keeping an eye on the finances. That was also never taught to me in law school!

A few months ago, I bought a bunch of management books to get me through the basics at least. So, I’ve been reading on how to hire and fire, how to make the people work with you and how to deal with conflict situations in the workplace. I used to laugh at people who read these books because I used to think that they’re not ‘very literary’. Life can be ironic.

And since I started with a cliche, I might as well end with a cliche by telling the rest of the world what my New Year’s resolution is. This year, I will be pleasant. I will be pleasant to those who discriminate against Filipinos. I will be pleasant to ex-boyfriends (for those ex-boyfriends who are reading this, expect a pleasant email from me! ha ha ha!). I will be pleasant to everyone!

To all my friends reading this, if you find me reverting back to my old cranky lawyer self, please please shake me until I regain my senses.

Let me see…the last time I wrote a post for this blog was …I cannot remember anymore! There was a point in my life when I consciously shunned writing anything on this blog. There was just too much going on!  Yesterday, however, by some happy coincidence, I saw my former college roommate, Apple, at the airport. We were taking the same flight to Cebu. She was on a business trip, while I was going home for the holidays.

As usual, we updated each other on what has happened to us during the two or three years of not having seen each other. And she mentioned my blog, which I have not been updating. It appears that a number of my friends have been closely following the blog. This was quite surprising to me since I never did think people would be interested in my life!

Anyway, just to situate myself…I am now based in Bangkok. I’ve moved there from Switzerland. Technically, I am based in Bangkok, but in reality, I am only in Bangkok at the most, one week every month. My work requires me to fly around a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT!  And that is when Apple shared with me the information that flying a lot affects a woman’s fertility. Hmmm…there’s a thought. Does flying a lot have the same effect on men as well? I have to do some research on this. If I find out that it doesn’t, I am going to file a protest letter to Mother Nature and strongly urge her to stop being so unfair.

For my title, I am borrowing one of the episode titles of Grey’s Anatomy.  I just love the show and all the characters in the show — except Meredith Grey! My sister may be right in saying that were it not for the fact that Meredith’s name is on the title, they would have killed her off a long time ago.

Anyway, I don’t blame Meredith for wanting to just stop living during the last few episodes of the third season. There are times in a person’s life that tiredness just suddenly creeps in. One suddenly feels so fed up with living and starts wanting to just let go. 

I go to the pool now to swim every other day. There are moments when I just let go and allow myself to float. Such bliss. I feel all the worry and anxiety flowing out of me as I float around the pool. I feel so light.

No wonder Meredith did not try too hard to tread on the water when she fell off the pier. If you just allow yourself to float, life seems to be kinder.

Has Cebu changed? Or have I?

I have been home for a few weeks now and this is the longest period of time I have spent in Cebu since the year 2000. I feel different now and I don’t know if it’s Cebu that has changed or me.

Before, I used to walk around the uptown area, Ayala, or SM and encounter lots of familiar faces. I really felt that I knew Cebu because everywhere I turned, I saw friends and even just acquaintances. These days, I don’t see anyone familiar anymore. Where did everyone go?

When I flew in from London to Manila, I sat beside an English lady who, I think, was around 40 years old. It was a long flight, so we chatted a lot. I told her how difficult it is to be moving around a lot since I have to always say goodbye to people and places that have already become familiar. More often than not, I get attached to these people and places too. And when the time comes for me to leave, it always breaks my heart to say goodbye.

She told me that she has been all over the world too. She was born and raised in England, went to school in Australia and the United States, worked in Milan, Lisbon, Thailand, and New Zealand. She told me that there was this time that she was sitting at a dinner table in Milan, surrounded by very good friends and that she had thought at that time that she would live in Milan forever. But then, as years passed, she realized that it was not Milan as Milan that made her happy. It was Milan with her friends that gave her such joy. Through the years, her friends moved away to other places and Milan was no longer the happy place she so loved.  So, she moved on to another place to find new friends, while still keeping in touch with the old ones.

I guess both Cebu and I have changed. The city has become more crowded but I no longer see my friends malling or sitting at the current "in" bar. And I now see things from different eyes.

Cebu is still my home. The people I love most are still here. But I don’t think this is the place for me right now. At this point in my life, I think I belong somewhere else.

I have always not liked office parties. As one colleague of mine described it, it is like the strained pleasantries in the office, only you extend it to 4 or 5 hours. 

We have a new Human Resources Manager and she is trying very hard to make the office a more friendly place by cooking up some very fun things for the people to do. Take the Christmas party, for instance. It was quite creative. Instead of just drinking and eating at some swanky restaurant, she divided the evening into 2 parts. The first part was a walking tour of the Christmas trees of Geneva and the second part, of course, was the eating and drinking.

Every Christmas, Geneva invites its artists to decorate the various trees around the city in accordance with a theme. This year’s theme is about the dying earth. Our new Human Resources Manager hired a professional tour guide to take us around the city to see the trees. Unfortunately, she did not tell the guide that we were all Geneva-based people.  So, the poor guide walked us around Geneva telling us the "special places" in Geneva, the best places to eat, etc.

Like good international human rights lawyers, we didn’t dare embarass the guide by telling her we’ve walked these streets a hundred times. Instead, we resorted to alcohol. Fortunately, someone brought in his knapsack a whole thermos of warm wine, the Geneva specialty. 

Here are some snippets of the conversations during the walking tour:

Guide to the group: We are now in the lake area…during the summer, the city turns on the famous Geneva fountain…

German lawyer to Argentinian lawyer: I need more wine. Where is the thermos now?

Argentinian lawyer (a bit tipsy): Somewhere with the group behind us…(then, turns to Filipino lawyer) Did you know that I used to have a Filipino girlfriend?

Filipina lawyer (gulping down her wine): Good for you. (Then, tries to shove Belgian lawyer between her and the drunk Argentinian lawyer.)

Guide to the group: If you visit Geneva again, you may want to try this restaurant…

German lawyer: At some point, someone has to tell here we all live in this f—-ing city.

Australian boss (looking disturbed): Where is the wine???? Please don’t tell me you guys drank it all.

Guide to group: Where else do you want me to take you?

German lawyer: Champel? (where he lives)

I really felt sorry for the poor tour guide who had no idea that she was with a bunch of disfunctional lawyers whose smiles were brought about by lots of warm wine. Sigh.

Scene: Flatmates assembled in the living room in front of the television to watch the Brazil-Switzerland football match. Swiss flatmate tells others to support the Swiss team since, after all, they are all living in Switzerland at present. Also, Swiss flatmate is so sure that the Swiss team will win.

American flatmate: But Dennis, how can the Swiss win against the Brazilians? Brazilian men are born to play football while the Swiss men are born to…uh…make chocolates?

Swiss flatmate does not answer but starts to look sullen.

Filipino flatmate: There, there… how can you make Dennis upset? Dennis, I love Swiss chocolates. I think you are doing a great service to humanity.

Swiss flatmate: Can someone please give me more alcohol?

50 minutes into the game, the Brazilians already got 2 goals and the Swiss, zero. 60 minutes into the game, the Swiss finally make a goal — because of a mistake made by the Brazilians. Swiss flatmate nevertheless jumps up and down and the Swiss players start getting serious.

Filipino flatmate: See…the Swiss may still win. Now we are looking at fierce Swiss men on the field.

American flatmate: What do you mean “fierce Swiss men”? That is like an oxymoron. Those three words can never go together!

The Brazilians won 2-1. Swiss flatmate finished an entire bottle of Swiss wine on his own even before the game ended.

Another reason why I should just mind my own business in this strange strange city…

Scene: Girl goes to mass every Sunday and sees this guy who really looks familiar. So, girl thinks that the guy must be someone she went to law school with. One Sunday, right before the start of the mass, guy looks at girl and smiles. Girl then stands up and transfers to the seat beside the guy.

Girl: Di ba you’re from UP Law?

Guy: Huh? No, I am from Ateneo.

Girl: Ah, okay…maybe we’ve seen each other in court? Did you work at a law firm before?

Guy: No, I am not a lawyer. I am an economist.

Girl: (starting to feel queasy) Ahhhh…pero you really look familiar. Saan ba tayo nagkita before?

Guy: I don’t know. This is the first time I’ve seen you.

Girl: (now wanting to run away, looks at the seat she left and sees that it is now occupied…in fact, all the seats are occupied!) Ay, sori ha…akala ko kasi I know you from somewhere. Can I sit here na lang? Kasi, may kumuha na ng upuan ko, eh.

Guy: Sure.

So, there. I had to sit for one whole hour beside someone who now thinks I used a very lame pick-up line on him. Gosh, sa simbahan pa naman!